g.u.i.l.t

I have it for just about everything.

Here is my tiny list:

- Motherhood too much to go into!!

- Being a Wife same as above

-Spending $ on MYSELF! This is a big one.... cause ya know I can spend whatever money I have on Lilly and it's always justified. I on the only hand, need nothing. The word *want* shouldn't even be in my vocabulary. Like the purse I wanted today while at Target. Yes, note the store one more time. TARGET. Not Coach which I was at while in NC. The green purse at Target today for $12.98 (it was on clearance) almost put me into tears!!
I walked by that damn purse 2 times before heading directly to the checkout lane! Like seriously. I know many people who spend $200+ on purses. But I can't... cause I don't... here's that word again... NEED it! I reminded myself several (almost 2o times) that we aren't currently saving so I need to do my part and only buy stuff I need. And then I proceeded to slap myself in the face for not taking $ and spending it on myself when in fact we did have a little to spare. We're not broke but saving is a big deal around here. And I'm all about it!

-Exercise. Hate that word. It just has neon negative lights all around it. I feel terrible when I don't go because I know it's so important for more then one reason. And then I feel horrible for going when I could be spending that hour with Lilly before bed. But now since I am on summer break I am going to go in the morning right when she gets out of bed. Ya know since its like 100 degrees here by 8am!!

- Eating well. I've had a reading workshop all week this week. Which means lots of eating out with friends to chat about what we're learning or lack there of! While at lunch this week I realized a few things. 1) I eat way to freakin fast 2) I eat a.l.o.t 3) I eat pretty much what I know I should be eating! I think #1 & 2 bother me the most. Now I know why my 2 friends stay so thin... they throw half of what they ordered away!

- Family. Love them all to the moon and back BUT they drive me nuts. Then I feel guilty for feeling annoyed! That bit is never ending!!

I guess my point in this is I am so tired of watching everything.

Watching how much money I spend, what I eat, how fast I eat, how much I eat, how I don't exercise, how I need to exercise, the amount of interaction I do with Lilly, planning her birthday party (WHOA!) how many times a week I cook dinner, the laundry being done, the house being cleaned, babysitting for my sister, and on and on and on and on!!!

I feel like I need a mental vacation!!

No good...

at anything.

I am much harder on myself then I am on anyone else. Is that the norm??!

I suck at sticking to anything.

Good eating habits- fail 99% of the time
Cooking- ok for a week then fail
Motherhood- pretty good most the time but sometimes I get selfish (shocking I know)
Exercise- great for 2 weeks then nada for 2 months+
Wife- pretty great in some areas that I won't mention... but totally suck in other areas (putting laundry away, keeping up with cleaning... what else is there?! lol )

I have no idea why I'm like this.

I don't have a passion for anything really. I would say I LOVE shopping but I have total guilt when I buy myself the littlest things.

I turn to food for comfort. Maybe because people *need* to have food to live. I dunno. Just throwing it out there. When I go shopping I always say to myself, "Do I REALLY need this?" and the answer is mostly no. Then I throw whatever I'm holding onto some random shelf nearby.

Why is it that once women have children they stop taking care of themselves? Cause this is totally my situation right now.

I really want a hobby or even to join Lady of America only to go to their Zumba classes. But it all goes back to $$. I hear the 'we aren't saving' speech every time bill paying time rolls around.

And I am cool with that. Cause I know he is only looking out for OUR best interest. It isn't like he is being an asshole about it.

I need to do something. I should have gone out walking this afternoon. Walking is so b.o.r.i.n.g!! Think I'd rather poke my eyes out!

I need some sort of motivation. I wanted my 10 yr reunion to be that motivation. Yeah well so much for that. It's gone!

Now I have this wild idea of going back to school in August in a much smaller size... August is closer then I realized! Damn it. It's always something.

I had a plan. I was going to wake up every morning and go walking when Lilly woke up. Yeah that has happened like ZERO time so far. I started a reading workshop this week so I couldn't. And before that I was in NC.

I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING FAST!
:::vent over:::

Fell Off the WW wagon

Gah!

Must.get.back.into.a.routine!!

Being out of school has totally thrown me for a few loops!

And to those who comment in Chinese letters. I have no clue what you're writing!!

Another 2 pounds gone...

Although this "holiday" weekend looks like I might have gained it back. Friends were in town and I kinda lost all control. Back on track tomorrow!

I'm not on a DIET!!!!!!!!

Holy food police! I can't stand how once you tell someone you are doing WW they automatically think it's their job to ask you, "Can you eat this?" "should you have that?" "Are you allowed...." "How many points is that?"

Or those people who want to know how it is going. Don't ask. It's not fun. Hell yeah I'd rather be eating a cheese steak sandwich with fries rather then this salad!

All the times I've done WW in the past the comments never really bothered me. This time, I am about to blow! Maybe because my head is totally in it. And I've realized it's not something I plan on only doing for a short amount of time. I'm in it for the long haul. And I am not only doing it for myself. It's for my husband and Lillian.

At work I had 2 coworkers who's husband's had heart attacks within a week of each other. Neither were over weight by any means. But their horrible eating habits probably caught up to them. Clogged arteries. And both are in their early 50's. That's too young for that to be going on!

Boy that felt good to vent! Now I'll be able to get through tomorrows comments!

Back at Weight Watchers

Last week was great. I lost 2.2 lbs. I am kinda scared what this week is going to bring. I haven't been tracking all that well. We went out to dinner Saturday night and I think I had one too many fries.

So now I sit here watching Biggest Loser. Wow these people lost so much effing weight. How dare I complain about my 30-40lbs I am needing to get rid of?! These strangers are real inspirations.

We had turkey burgers for dinner tonight. They were decent. I am running out of recipe ideas. I need more.

I also need to start walking again more often. Oh the to-do list... love them! :)

Whoa it's been a LONG time!

Where has time gone?!

I can't stand how life is just flying by so freakin fast! Lilly will be 9 months this week. Eeeekkk!

My little princess is almost 1 year old! She has 9 more days to spend with G-ma before I am home for summer break. I can't wait to get to spend the time with her. It'll also give me some time to do her scrap book and plan her birthday party.

We're going on our first plane ride minus dada... he can't get off from work :(
Going up to see Auntie in North Carolina with my parents. So at least I won't be traveling alone.

She has changed a lot since the last time I was on here. She's crawling and just started to pull up onto things. She has 2 bottom teeth. I think her top teeth will be here soon too. She is drooling a ton. She has a total fit if someone does something to her that she doesn't like (kisses, taking things away, pulling her away from the computer wire)!

She got her first booboo this afternoon... it breaks my heart. We were sitting outside on a blanket with the dogs. Well our one dog saw something and took off running, the leash was touching Lilly's arm and kinda gave her rope burn. She cried a little bit but nothing like she should have by the looks of it. It looks terrible. :::tear::: I cried. I just hope it doesn't leave a scar. I called the pedi and he said to put neosporin on it with a long sleeve shirt.

As for myself... I went back to WW last Saturday. The first week went well. I lost 2.2lbs. Better then I expected. I need to start walking more. I plan on going first thing in the morning once I am off this summer. I've found this great blog called skinnytaste.com that I love! The recipes are so yummy! It feels good to finally be doing something for myself. :)

I've been having some terrible mommy guilt. It is over the silliest things sometimes. I am getting through it though. This whole leash/rope burn deal isn't making it easy!